I Don't Feel Like Myself: Dissociation & Finding You

The experience of feeling detached, where personal identity blurs and the familiar becomes alien, is often described with the phrase, "i dont feel like myself". This sentiment echoes the core experiences of dissociation, a complex psychological phenomenon that the American Psychological Association defines as a disruption in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception. Many individuals grappling with this disorienting state seek guidance and support from resources like the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD), whose goal is to research, educate, and treat dissociative disorders.

Navigating the Landscape of Dissociation: When You Don't Feel Like Yourself

That unsettling feeling of not quite being present. The world seeming unreal. The disconnect from your own body and thoughts. These are glimpses into the complex experience of dissociation.

It's a landscape many find themselves unexpectedly traversing, often feeling lost and alone.

Understanding Dissociation

At its core, dissociation is a feeling of detachment. A sense of being separated from reality, your surroundings, your body, or even your own sense of self.

Imagine watching a movie of your life, rather than living it. This can manifest in different ways and to varying degrees.

The Spectrum of Experience

Dissociation isn't an all-or-nothing phenomenon. It exists on a spectrum.

Many of us experience mild forms of dissociation in everyday life. Think of getting lost in a book, daydreaming, or driving on autopilot. These are fleeting moments of detachment.

However, for some, dissociation becomes more pervasive and disruptive. It can range from feeling spaced out during stressful situations to experiencing significant gaps in memory or a fragmented sense of identity.

These more severe forms of dissociation can significantly impact daily functioning and overall well-being.

Why Understanding Matters

Understanding dissociation is the first step towards reclaiming your sense of self. It's about recognizing that these experiences are not a sign of weakness or madness.

Instead, they often represent the mind's attempt to cope with overwhelming stress or trauma. Understanding also allows you to name the feeling, make sense of it and contextualize how to move forward.

The Importance of Seeking Help

If you find yourself struggling with persistent or distressing dissociative experiences, it's crucial to seek professional help. You are not alone, and support is available.

Therapists specializing in trauma and dissociation can provide guidance, support, and effective treatment strategies.

Reaching out is a sign of strength. It's an act of self-compassion that can pave the way for healing and recovery. Don't hesitate to take that step. Your well-being is worth it.

Understanding Dissociation: More Than Just Zoning Out

Building on the initial understanding of dissociation, it’s vital to move beyond the simplistic view of it as merely "zoning out." Dissociation is a complex psychological phenomenon, and recognizing its nuances is crucial for those seeking to understand their experiences or support others.

Defining Dissociation: A Disruption of Connection

At its heart, dissociation involves a disruption in the usually seamless integration of consciousness, memory, identity, emotion, perception, body representation, motor control, and behavior. It’s more than simple distraction; it's a fundamental disconnection from aspects of oneself or the surrounding world.

This disconnection serves as a defense mechanism, often employed by the mind to cope with overwhelming stress, trauma, or emotional pain. It's a way to create distance from experiences that feel too intense to process directly.

Forms of Dissociation: A Varied Landscape

Dissociation manifests in a variety of forms, each with its unique characteristics. Recognizing these different presentations is essential for accurate self-assessment and informed support.

• Depersonalization: Feeling Detached From Oneself

  Depersonalization involves a sense of detachment from one's own body, thoughts, feelings, or sensations. It's like being an outside observer of your own life.

  You might feel like you're watching yourself in a movie, or that your body parts don't belong to you. There may be feelings of being unreal or robotic.

  For example, someone experiencing depersonalization might look in the mirror and feel as though they are looking at a stranger. Or feel estranged from their own hands or limbs.

• Derealization: The World Feels Unreal

  Derealization is characterized by a feeling of detachment from the surrounding world. The environment may seem distorted, dreamlike, or artificial.

  Objects and people may appear blurry, distant, or two-dimensional. Time may seem to speed up or slow down.

  Imagine walking through familiar streets that suddenly feel foreign and unfamiliar, as if you're in a movie set. This is an example of Derealization. Perhaps the colors seem too vivid, or the sounds too muted.

• Identity Disturbance: Questioning Your Core

  Identity disturbance involves a confusion or uncertainty about one's sense of self. This can manifest as difficulty defining personal values, goals, or beliefs.

  There may be fluctuations in self-image, a sense of emptiness, or a feeling of not knowing who you truly are. It goes beyond typical self-doubt.

  For instance, you might struggle to answer basic questions about yourself, such as "What are my passions?" or "What do I stand for?". Or, you may adopt different personas in different situations, feeling like a chameleon with no solid identity of its own.

• Emotional Numbness: A Shield Against Feeling

  Emotional numbness is a reduced ability to experience emotions, both positive and negative. It's a state of emotional flatness or detachment.

  You might feel disconnected from your feelings or struggle to identify what you're feeling at all. This can affect your ability to connect with others and experience joy or sadness.

  Someone experiencing emotional numbness might react to a typically sad movie scene with complete apathy. Or feel indifferent when receiving good news that would normally elicit excitement.

• Memory Loss/Amnesia: Gaps in Your Story

  Dissociative amnesia involves gaps in memory for specific events or periods of time. These gaps are more significant than ordinary forgetfulness.

  You might forget important personal information, such as your name, address, or date of birth. Or you might have difficulty recalling specific traumatic events.

  For example, you may find yourself in a location without remembering how you got there. You might encounter a friend who remembers a detailed conversation with you, but you have no recollection of it.

• Absorption: Losing Yourself (But Differently)

  Absorption involves becoming fully engrossed in an activity or experience, to the point where you lose track of time and your surroundings. While it can resemble dissociation, there are key differences.

  In absorption, the individual remains grounded in the present moment. They can choose to redirect their attention if needed.

  Unlike dissociation, absorption typically does not involve a sense of detachment from oneself or reality. It’s a focused immersion rather than an escape. Getting lost in a good book is an example of absorption; you are engrossed, but still aware and in control.

The Importance of Recognition

Understanding these different forms of dissociation is crucial for validating individual experiences. It moves beyond the simple idea of just zoning out. It's essential to recognize that dissociation isn't a single, uniform experience, but a complex spectrum with varied presentations. By appreciating these nuances, we can better support those navigating the challenging landscape of dissociation and encourage them to seek appropriate help.

Delving Deeper: Exploring Dissociative Disorders

Building upon the foundational understanding of dissociation, it’s essential to explore the specific dissociative disorders recognized within the diagnostic framework. These disorders represent more persistent and impairing patterns of dissociation that significantly impact daily life.

Understanding the Spectrum of Diagnosable Dissociation

While transient experiences of dissociation are relatively common, dissociative disorders are characterized by chronic and pervasive dissociative symptoms that cause significant distress or impairment. They're not merely isolated incidents, but deeply ingrained patterns of disconnection.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is perhaps the most widely recognized, and often misunderstood, dissociative disorder. It involves the presence of two or more distinct personality states, or alters, each with its own unique patterns of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

These alters recurrently take control of the individual's behavior, leading to gaps in memory and a fragmented sense of identity. The transition between alters can be sudden and dramatic, or more subtle and gradual.

DID: Diagnostic Nuances

Diagnosis requires a thorough assessment, as DID is often accompanied by other mental health conditions, like PTSD, depression and borderline personality disorder.

It is crucial to differentiate DID from malingering or factitious disorder.

The criteria for diagnosis include: Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events, and the disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice.

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder is characterized by persistent or recurrent experiences of depersonalization, derealization, or both. Reality testing, however, remains intact – meaning the individual is aware that their experiences are subjective and not reflective of actual reality.

Diving into Symptoms of Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder

Depersonalization involves a sense of detachment from one's own body, thoughts, feelings, or sensations, as if observing oneself from the outside.

Derealization is characterized by a feeling of detachment from the surrounding world, where the environment seems unreal, dreamlike, or distorted.

Diagnostic Considerations

The symptoms must be persistent or recurrent and cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. These experiences cannot be explained by other mental health disorders, medical conditions, or substance use.

Dissociative Amnesia

Dissociative Amnesia involves an inability to recall important autobiographical information, usually of a traumatic or stressful nature, that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Varied Manifestations of Amnesia

The amnesia may be localized (related to a specific event), selective (remembering some but not all of an event), or generalized (complete loss of memory for one's life history). In rare cases, it can also present as Dissociative Fugue.

Dissociative Fugue

Dissociative Fugue involves sudden, unexpected travel away from home or one's customary place of work, accompanied by an inability to recall one's past.

Individuals in a fugue state may be confused about their identity or even assume a new identity.

Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD)

Other Specified Dissociative Disorder (OSDD) is a diagnostic category used when an individual presents with dissociative symptoms that cause clinically significant distress or impairment, but do not fully meet the criteria for any of the other specific dissociative disorders.

The "Catch-All" Category

OSDD recognizes the diverse and complex ways in which dissociation can manifest. This diagnosis is very important to recognize and address dissociative symptoms that fall outside of the 'classic' symptoms.

Examples of OSDD Presentations:

These can include: chronic and recurrent alterations of identity; presentations similar to DID without full criteria met (e.g. alters are not fully distinct); dissociative symptoms arising in the context of coercive control; or acute dissociative reactions to overwhelming stress.

The Importance of Accurate Diagnosis

Understanding the nuances of each dissociative disorder is crucial for accurate diagnosis and effective treatment. It's imperative to consult with a qualified mental health professional experienced in assessing and treating dissociative disorders to receive appropriate care and support. Self-diagnosis can be misleading and potentially harmful.

The Roots of Dissociation: Trauma's Impact

Dissociation, while a complex phenomenon in its own right, is often inextricably linked to trauma. It’s crucial to understand that dissociation is not simply a random occurrence, but rather a deeply ingrained coping mechanism developed in response to overwhelming experiences. To understand dissociation, we need to explore the traumatic experiences that often trigger it.

Dissociation as a Survival Strategy

When faced with unbearable pain, fear, or helplessness, the mind may instinctively create distance from the reality of the situation. Dissociation becomes a way to protect oneself from the full impact of trauma, allowing the individual to survive psychologically even when physical escape is impossible. This detachment can manifest in various forms, as we discussed earlier, shielding the individual from the immediate horror of the experience.

The Profound Influence of Childhood Trauma

Childhood, ideally a time of safety and nurturing, can unfortunately become the breeding ground for trauma that shapes an individual's life trajectory. Experiences like physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, as well as neglect and witnessing violence, can have a devastating impact on a child's developing brain and sense of self. In these situations, dissociation can become a primary defense mechanism.

Children who experience chronic trauma often learn to dissociate as a way to cope with the ongoing threat. This can lead to deeply ingrained patterns of disconnection that persist into adulthood.

The Devastating Repercussions of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

The concept of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) has shed light on the far-reaching consequences of childhood trauma. Studies have demonstrated a strong correlation between ACEs and a range of negative outcomes, including mental health disorders, substance abuse, and chronic physical illnesses.

The higher the ACE score, the greater the risk of developing dissociative symptoms later in life. This underscores the importance of early intervention and prevention efforts to mitigate the long-term effects of childhood adversity.

Attachment Trauma, C-PTSD, and the Dissociative Link

Attachment trauma, stemming from disrupted or insecure early relationships with caregivers, can also significantly contribute to dissociation. When a child's needs for safety, comfort, and emotional attunement are not consistently met, it can lead to a profound sense of insecurity and disconnection.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), often resulting from chronic or repeated trauma, further exacerbates these challenges. C-PTSD is characterized by difficulties with emotional regulation, distorted self-perception, relationship problems, and, notably, dissociative symptoms.

PTSD and the Role of Dissociation

While often considered a separate diagnosis, dissociation can also be an integral part of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Individuals with PTSD may experience flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts related to the traumatic event, and dissociation can serve as a way to distance themselves from these overwhelming experiences.

Understanding the intricate interplay between trauma and dissociation is paramount for effective treatment. By acknowledging the roots of dissociation in traumatic experiences, we can begin to unravel the complex layers of the condition and guide individuals towards healing and recovery.

Paths to Healing: Treatment and Recovery Strategies

Following the acknowledgment of trauma's profound impact, the essential question becomes: what avenues exist for healing and recovery from dissociation? While the journey is undoubtedly unique to each individual, a range of therapeutic approaches and coping mechanisms can provide invaluable support. Let's examine these paths with empathy and understanding.

Professional Therapeutic Interventions

Effective treatment for dissociation often involves a multifaceted approach, with psychotherapy serving as a cornerstone.

Psychotherapy: Unpacking the Past, Reclaiming the Present

"Talk therapy" provides a safe and supportive space for individuals to explore the roots of their dissociation, process traumatic memories, and develop healthier coping strategies.

Different forms of psychotherapy can be beneficial, depending on the individual's needs and preferences.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and psychodynamic therapy are frequently employed.

Trauma-Informed Therapy: Addressing the Core Wounds

Trauma-informed therapy recognizes the central role of trauma in the development of dissociation.

It emphasizes creating a sense of safety and trust, allowing individuals to gradually process their traumatic experiences without becoming overwhelmed.

This approach avoids re-traumatization and focuses on building resilience.

EMDR: Reprocessing Traumatic Memories

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specific type of therapy designed to help individuals process and integrate traumatic memories.

It involves focusing on the traumatic memory while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, taps, or sounds.

This process can help to reduce the emotional charge associated with the memory, making it less distressing.

IFS: Healing the Internal System

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy views the psyche as comprised of various "parts," each with its own unique role and perspective.

In the context of dissociation, IFS can help individuals understand and accept these different parts, including those that hold traumatic memories or engage in dissociative behaviors.

By fostering self-compassion and internal harmony, IFS can promote healing and integration.

Practical Coping Mechanisms: Empowering Self-Help

In addition to professional therapy, a range of practical coping mechanisms can empower individuals to manage dissociative symptoms in their daily lives.

Grounding Techniques: Reconnecting to the Present

Grounding techniques help to bring individuals back to the present moment when they are feeling dissociated.

These techniques involve focusing on sensory input, such as:

• Holding a cold object.
• Listening to music.
• Describing the surrounding environment.

Physical activity, such as walking or stretching, can also be grounding. Self-talk, involving affirmations or reminders of safety, can further anchor individuals in the present.

Self-Care: Nurturing Well-being

Self-care is essential for overall well-being and can play a significant role in managing dissociative symptoms.

This includes engaging in regular exercise, eating a healthy diet, getting enough sleep, and pursuing hobbies and interests.

Prioritizing self-care sends a message of self-worth and can help to reduce stress and promote emotional stability.

Mindfulness Meditation: Cultivating Present Moment Awareness

Mindfulness meditation involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

This practice can help individuals to become more aware of their thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, making it easier to recognize and manage dissociative experiences.

Regular mindfulness practice can promote a sense of calm and centeredness.

Support Groups: Sharing and Connecting

Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be incredibly validating and supportive.

Support groups provide a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals to share their stories, learn from one another, and build a sense of community.

Knowing that you are not alone in your struggles can be profoundly healing.

Self-Compassion: Treating Yourself with Kindness

Perhaps the most crucial coping mechanism is self-compassion.

Dissociation is often a response to overwhelming pain, and it is important to treat oneself with kindness and understanding.

Practicing self-compassion involves recognizing your own suffering, acknowledging your imperfections, and offering yourself the same care and support that you would offer a friend. This can be a powerful antidote to self-criticism and shame.

Healing from dissociation is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to explore new paths. By embracing both professional support and practical coping mechanisms, individuals can reclaim their sense of self and move towards a brighter future.

Pioneers in the Field: Key Figures in Dissociation Research

The study of dissociation has a rich history, shaped by the groundbreaking work of individuals who dedicated their careers to understanding this complex phenomenon. Their insights have not only advanced our knowledge but have also paved the way for more effective treatment approaches.

Let us honor the contributions of some of these key figures, whose work continues to inspire and inform the field today.

Pierre Janet: A Founding Father of Dissociation Studies

Pierre Janet (1859-1947) stands as a towering figure in the early exploration of dissociation. A French psychologist and philosopher, Janet's work laid the foundation for our modern understanding of the subject.

His meticulous observations of patients exhibiting hysterical symptoms, including amnesia, fugue states, and multiple personalities, led him to formulate groundbreaking theories about the nature of consciousness and the impact of trauma.

Janet proposed that traumatic experiences could lead to a splitting of consciousness, where certain memories and emotions become isolated from conscious awareness. He termed this dissociation, viewing it as a defensive mechanism against overwhelming psychological pain.

His emphasis on the role of trauma in the etiology of dissociative disorders was revolutionary for his time.

Janet's conceptualization of dissociation as a disruption in the synthetic function of consciousness, the ability to integrate experiences into a coherent whole, remains highly influential.

His book, Psychological Automatism (1889), is a cornerstone of dissociative studies.

Onno van der Hart: Illuminating the Trauma-Dissociation Connection

Onno van der Hart is a contemporary Dutch psychologist and researcher who has significantly advanced our understanding of the relationship between trauma and dissociation. His work has built upon the foundations laid by Janet, providing further empirical evidence and theoretical refinement.

Van der Hart, along with his colleagues Ellert Nijenhuis and Kathy Steele, developed the Theory of Structural Dissociation of the Personality, a comprehensive model that explains how trauma can lead to the fragmentation of the self into different emotional and behavioral states.

This theory posits that individuals exposed to chronic or severe trauma may develop distinct "parts" of their personality.

These "parts" serve different functions, such as managing overwhelming emotions, coping with daily life, or protecting the individual from further harm.

These parts are not fully integrated, leading to dissociative symptoms and difficulties in self-regulation.

Van der Hart's research has also highlighted the importance of addressing trauma memories in a way that is safe and manageable for the individual, emphasizing the need for a phased approach to treatment.

His numerous publications, including The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization, have become essential reading for clinicians working with traumatized individuals.

Kathy Steele: Expertise in Complex Trauma and Dissociation Treatment

Kathy Steele is a renowned clinical social worker and trauma specialist. She is widely recognized for her expertise in treating individuals with complex trauma and dissociative disorders.

Working closely with Onno van der Hart and Ellert Nijenhuis, Steele has made significant contributions to the understanding and treatment of structural dissociation.

Her work emphasizes the importance of establishing safety and stabilization in the early stages of therapy.

This involves helping individuals develop coping skills to manage overwhelming emotions, regulate their nervous system, and build a sense of self-control.

Steele is also a strong advocate for the use of parts work in therapy, helping individuals to understand and accept the different parts of their personality.

By fostering self-compassion and internal communication, individuals can begin to integrate these parts and heal the wounds of trauma.

Steele's numerous workshops, trainings, and publications, including Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach, have made her a highly sought-after educator and consultant in the field of trauma and dissociation.

Her practical and compassionate approach to treatment has helped countless individuals reclaim their lives and find healing from the devastating effects of trauma.

These pioneers, through their dedication and insight, have illuminated the path towards understanding and treating dissociation. Their legacy continues to guide researchers and clinicians in their efforts to help individuals heal from the profound impact of trauma and rediscover their sense of self.

Resources and Assessment: Finding Help and Understanding

For individuals grappling with dissociation, the journey towards understanding and healing can feel overwhelming. Thankfully, there are valuable resources available to provide guidance, support, and a pathway forward. Knowing where to turn can make all the difference in navigating this complex terrain.

Connecting with Expert Support: The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD)

The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) stands as a beacon of knowledge and support for both professionals and individuals affected by dissociative disorders. This organization plays a pivotal role in advancing research, disseminating best practices, and fostering a community of understanding.

The ISSTD offers a wealth of information on its website, including articles, treatment guidelines, and resources for finding qualified therapists specializing in trauma and dissociation.

For those seeking professional help, the ISSTD's directory can be invaluable. It allows you to search for therapists and clinicians who have demonstrated expertise in working with dissociative disorders, ensuring that you connect with someone who understands the nuances of your experience.

Furthermore, the ISSTD hosts conferences and workshops, providing opportunities for professionals to network, learn from each other, and stay abreast of the latest developments in the field.

By connecting with the ISSTD, individuals and professionals alike gain access to a wealth of knowledge and a supportive community dedicated to understanding and treating dissociative disorders.

Self-Assessment and Awareness: The Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES)

The Dissociative Experiences Scale (DES) is a widely used self-report questionnaire designed to assess the frequency and severity of dissociative experiences. While not a diagnostic tool in itself, the DES can provide valuable insights into your own experiences and help you determine whether further evaluation by a mental health professional is warranted.

The DES consists of a series of questions that ask you to reflect on how often you experience certain dissociative phenomena, such as feeling detached from your body, experiencing a sense of unreality, or having difficulty remembering important events.

It is important to approach the DES with self-compassion and honesty. Your responses are a reflection of your subjective experience and should be treated as a starting point for further exploration, not as a definitive label.

If your score on the DES is high, or if you resonate strongly with many of the questions, it is crucial to seek professional guidance. A qualified therapist can conduct a thorough assessment to determine the nature and extent of your dissociative symptoms and recommend appropriate treatment options.

Remember, the DES is a tool for self-awareness and should be used in conjunction with professional support, not as a substitute for it. It can be a helpful step in understanding your experiences and advocating for your mental health needs.

The Importance of Seeking Professional Guidance

While resources like the ISSTD and the DES can be incredibly helpful, they are not a replacement for professional evaluation and treatment. Dissociation is a complex phenomenon that requires the expertise of a trained mental health professional to accurately diagnose and effectively treat.

If you suspect that you are experiencing dissociation, or if you are struggling with feelings of detachment, unreality, or identity confusion, please reach out to a qualified therapist or psychiatrist. They can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your experiences, understand the underlying causes of your dissociation, and develop a personalized treatment plan that addresses your specific needs.

Healing from dissociation is a journey, and it is one that you do not have to take alone. By connecting with the right resources and seeking professional guidance, you can begin to reclaim your sense of self and find a path towards wholeness and well-being.

So, if you're reading this and thinking, "wow, this really resonates," know you're definitely not alone. Feeling disconnected and experiencing that "i don't feel like myself" sensation can be scary, but remember it's also a signal. It's your mind telling you something needs attention. Be patient with yourself, explore some of the tips we've talked about, and don't hesitate to reach out for support. You've got this, and you will find your way back to feeling like 'you' again.